“Gucci Goddess” Con Artist Scammed Youth Programs To The Tune of $109M

An interesting story came out of Texas last week, when 57-year-old US Army worker Janet Yamanaka Mello was sentenced to 15 years in federal prison. What did she do, exactly?

Well, do you remember the “Seinfeld” episode when George started a fake charity called “The Human Fund”?

Its tagline was “Money… for People.” Janet did something similar, except its tagline may as well have been “Money… for Janet.”

Mello created the Child Health and Youth Lifelong Development (CHYLD) to provide services to military members’ families, which focused on “positive youth development through providing opportunities for youth to engage in intentional learning experiences.”

Mello would receive grant money meant for needy children and would deposit that money directly into her bank account.

She did this to the tune of over $100 million, and, by the time she was finally busted – she got away with it for seven yearts from 2016 to 2023 – she had amassed a fortune and owned over thirty properties across the United States. They spanned from Washington state to Maryland, but the majority of the property was in Texas.

She didn’t just love fancy houses, though. She also loved fancy cars. The government seized SEVENTY-EIGHT (78!!!!!!) cars and motorcycles upon her arrest. These weren’t clunkers, either; Benzes, Land Rovers, Ducatis, and Toyota Landcruisers (which, despite the brand name, are actually pretty luxurious). Nothing I tell you will make your jaw drop as just seeing the full list of the 78 cars/motorcycles she bought for herself.

What you won’t see on her list are any Prii, which I recently learned is the official plural for “Prius.”

An exhaustive list of her seized cars:

The money she didn’t spend on cars and houses was kept in the bank, spread across six different bank accounts with balances as large as $8 million and $5 million. That’s just cash she had on hand for a rainy day. One account weirdly only had $32,194.98; the next smallest was over $200,000.

They seized a bunch of jewelry in one of her Texas homes, too, as well as a safe. Which begs the question… if all that money and ridiculously expensive stuff was just lying around, what the hell was in the safe?

Cash, property, cars, jewelry… you hear about this stuff getting seized all the time. That’s not why you read this blog, though. You’re here for the weird, and boy does this case deliver. The most interesting wrinkle was revealed in a July 25th Order from Judge Xavier Hernandez, morbidly titled “Order Authorizing the Internal Revenue Service to Dispose of Three Longhorn Cattle.” What does the IRS have to do with cattle? What do they mean by “dispose of”? If their goal is to make the cattle “disappear,” shouldn’t they be enlisting the CIA?

From the looks of it, Mello – proud Texan that she is – couldn’t resist buying some longhorns with the money she swindled. She was nicknamed the “Gucci Goddess” in the press, but it appears she was more of a Bovine Bozo if you ask me, your humble blogger.

Now that she got busted and is going to jail, three innocent (or are they?) cattle are without an owner, and the IRS has been tasked with “disposing of” them.

Before you think it’s free burgers for life for the people who will one day audit you, you can rest easy – they aren’t going to kill these cows. They’re free to a good home, essentially. The cattle are currently located at 40454 FM 3159, New Braunfels, Comal County, Texas, if any of you animal-loving readers want to go visit them, or if any prank-loving readers want to do some cow-tipping. (I do not condone cow-tipping, and take no responsibility for any tipped cows that may or may not result from reading this blog.) Act fast, though, as Judge Hernandez ordered that the cattle be moved to “any other rescue group, local ranch or agency that will care for them.”

That’s awfully thoughtful of Judge Hernandez, but before you start thinking about giving him any PETA awards, he also ordered that “the Internal Revenue Service and their designee shall have permission to enter the ranch where the cattle are located to seize and remove the cattle.” No word how the IRS intends to “seize and remove” these giant cows, but aren’t you interested to see how they do? Hook ‘em horns, indeed.